Food. Weight. Two things that women get to deal with on a daily basis. I can’t go a day without thinking about my weight. It’s always with me so to speak. I try to eat healthy. I also like sugar and hate exercise. Easy recipe for weight gain right?
I always said that I would never let myself get fat. I have a lot of overweight family members. They would tease me and say “You will get fat just like us, wait and see.” I swore I never would. I was young, 15, and could eat anything I wanted. I never gained a pound. People would often say that I was too thin and too pale. I’m a natural redhead, we are all pale. I’m physically incapable of tanning. The weight or lack there of wasn’t a plan. I ate what I wanted when I wanted. I was lucky.
In fact, twice I was told by doctors to eat more junk food as I wasn’t getting enough calories. If only I could hear that now! The weight started to go on slowly. Then quickly. I remember when I was a size 4, then 6, then 10, 12,14, to 2X. For a long time I was a size 12 or 14 (US) which when you are twenty something you think it’s so much bigger than it actually is. Now I look back at photos from that time and think, you looked really good. Why didn’t you see that? I don’t know. I wish I could tell you why.
I remember the first time I gained any significant amount of weight. I went from 117 to 130 pounds. I went to a nutritionist at the college I attended as I had wanted to gain weight. I got the same story, eat more junk food and consume more food. She said about a quarter of the students she sees want to gain weight and not lose it. I gained 10 pounds immediately. Then another. I was a size 10 (a lot of 10’s here). I was pretty happy as it was easier to find clothes. I also didn’t get dirty looks for being too thin.
When my parents came for my graduation they had not seen me for months called me a “little porker.” Which basically means a pig because of all the weight I gained. They meant it as a joke, although now they say they never said that. They did. When I was little they used to get mad at me for being extremely thin. They would make me sit at the dinner table for hours until I ate some of the things on my plate. Now I get the subtle “You should drink more water” or “You should eat less…”. It’s annoying. I know, I certainly don’t need it pointed out. I tell myself that every day.
I still eat similar to how I did then. I nosh a bit throughout the day. I love my junk food. If only that was a food group! I cringe when I see photos of myself. If I put any online it is an older photograph. In the era of body positivity, I sometimes feel guilt that I am fat shaming myself. Shouldn’t I love myself for what I am? I still look good, don’t I? It’s hard for me to get used to. I think those women who are more comfortable in their own skin are lucky. I don’t know if I will ever be.
I’m trying to eat better now. Little tiny steps, one by one. I keep track of it in my bullet journal. I haven’t lost any weight yet. Hopefully in a few months I will. I just finished tracking my calories for two weeks. I average about 3000 per day. Way to much. So I have decided to track my calories for 3 weeks and try to get it to 3000 or less. Then reduce by 500 etc. I will keep you posted. Any one else have issues with weight?