Struggling With My Weight

jennifer-burk-118076

Food. Weight. Two things that women get to deal with on a daily basis. I can’t go a day without thinking about my weight.  It’s always with me so to speak. I try to eat healthy.  I also like sugar and hate exercise.  Easy recipe for weight gain right?

I always said that I would never let myself get fat.  I have a lot of overweight family members. They would tease me and say “You will get fat just like us, wait and see.”  I swore I never would.  I was young, 15, and could eat anything I wanted.   I never gained a pound. People would often say that I was too thin and too pale.  I’m a natural redhead, we are all pale.  I’m physically incapable of tanning. The weight or lack there of wasn’t a plan.  I ate what I wanted when I wanted.  I was lucky.

In fact, twice I was told by doctors to eat more junk food as I wasn’t getting enough calories.  If only I could hear that now!  The weight started to go on slowly. Then quickly.  I remember when I was a size 4, then 6, then 10, 12,14, to 2X. For a long time I was a size 12 or 14 (US) which when you are twenty something you think it’s so much bigger than it actually is. Now I look back at photos from that time and think, you looked really good.  Why didn’t you see that?  I don’t know.  I wish I could tell you why.

I remember the first time I gained any significant amount of weight.  I went from 117 to 130 pounds.  I went to a nutritionist at the college I attended as I had wanted to gain weight.  I got the same story, eat more junk food and consume more food.  She said about a quarter of the students she sees want to gain weight and not lose it. I gained 10 pounds immediately.  Then another.  I was a size 10 (a lot of 10’s here). I was pretty happy as it was easier to find clothes.  I also didn’t get dirty looks for being too thin.

When my parents came for my graduation they had not seen me for months called me a “little porker.” Which basically means a pig because of all the weight I gained.  They meant it as a joke, although now they say they never said that.  They did.  When I was little they used to get mad at me for being extremely thin.  They would make me sit at the dinner table for hours until I ate some of the things on my plate. Now I get the subtle “You should drink more water”  or “You should eat less…”.  It’s annoying.  I know, I certainly don’t need it pointed out. I tell myself that every day.

I still eat similar to how I did then.  I nosh a bit throughout the day. I love my junk food.  If only that was a food group!  I cringe when I see photos of myself.  If I put any online it is an older photograph.  In the era of body positivity, I sometimes feel guilt that I am fat shaming myself. Shouldn’t I love myself for what I am?  I still look good, don’t I? It’s hard for me to get used to.  I think those women who are more comfortable in their own skin are lucky.  I don’t know if I will ever be.

I’m trying to eat better now. Little tiny steps, one by one.  I keep track of it in my bullet journal.  I haven’t lost any weight yet.  Hopefully in a few months I will.  I just finished tracking my calories for two weeks.  I average about 3000 per day.  Way to much.  So I have decided to track my calories for 3 weeks and try to get it to 3000 or less.  Then reduce by 500 etc.  I will keep you posted.  Any one else have issues with weight?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2 thoughts on “Struggling With My Weight

  1. I’ve been struggling with my weight since my 30’s. It’s an ongoing battle because like you I love my junk food. Hell I love food in general! I just try to take it 1 day at a time and make little changes that work for me. I know I’m an emotional eater so that’s the hard part, changing the way I think about food. I wish you luck.

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